hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
