i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
