before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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