I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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