So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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