I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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