maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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