Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
