My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
