I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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