Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
