3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
