I need help removing her.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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