I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
