I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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