ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
babies were throwing up all over the place
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
