I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
