Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize