I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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