I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
