when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
