Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
