i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize