rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
