the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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