I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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