normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
