Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Randomize