remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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