Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
