My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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