For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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