idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
