I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just cropdusted the office
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
