I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
