I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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