If that was your dad, he is hot
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
