Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
