Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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