Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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