Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
