i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
