Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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