....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize