On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
