I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
