He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
oh god was she eating orange peels again
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
