oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
