I CAN MOONWALK!
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
