Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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