That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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