Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
