I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize