Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
