We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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