WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
