Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
