I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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