I never want to see another naked old woman again.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
