My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
