You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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